Welcome to My Pity Party…

I’ve been quiet for the past week….obviously.  I’ve had to face some realities that frankly have bummed me out a bit and I haven’t been inspired to write.  I know that’s probably the opposite of what I should do, but I tend to be one of those people that needs to reflect on things a bit before expressing how I feel, even hiding it from my family and closest friends.  It might not be the best thing anxiety wise, but it’s what I do.

Last Monday, I met with my GI doctor to talk about my Ulcerative Colitis (UC).  You see UC is one of those diseases that just gets worse over time.  Logic would tell you that with the proper medications and diet, it would be kept in remission.  Sadly this is not the case.  My current cocktail of medications hasn’t been as effective lately and I knew it was time to have that talk with my doctor about switching things up.  Having had Pancreatitis back in 2007 from medication used for my UC (or so we think…there was never a definitive answer on that) I obviously have a healthy fear of these meds, so I had been putting this off for a while.  

The visit went well and I left with the fun tasks of getting a bagillion viles of  blood taken and scheduling a colonoscopy in the near future.  Oh joy!  Most people don’t get to have a colonoscopy until they are 50…this will be my 4th and I’m 33.  Oh and did I mention I tend to pass out when I get blood taken?  Yeah, that happens.  

So as I waited for the results of the blood tests to come back  the festering began…what would they show?  I of course was scouring the Internets to diagnose all of the other issues I’ve been having, dizzy spells, low energy, etc… which is probably the WORST thing you can do.  I was convinced I was B12 deficient, maybe anemic from the UC, or worse would the cancer markers appear showing what I have been dreading since this disease reared it’s ugly head 10 years ago.  Can you say hot mess and a ball of nerves?

Well guess what?  Everything came back normal…yep…normal.  All that worry, all that seclusion, what for?  Nothing.  And the worst part is stress and worry like that actually make my UC worse!  Way to go Sarah.  So what did we learn from this?  I need to tell my head to shut the fuck up and go on with my life.  Life is WAY to short to worry about the what ifs.  It is out of my control.  If I keep spending all my time on dwelling on that, I will miss out on all the positive and fun things life has to offer…like dancing with zombie monkey things…

Sarah-Monkey

Yep…that was me throwing caution to the wind this past weekend and immersing myself in the Halloween season at one of my favorite events, the Trail of Terror.  Poor health be damned, I’m going to get chased by chainsaws and crawl through tunnels!  OK maybe that’s a ridiculous example, but it really is a metaphor for me to stop trying to control everything in my life.  It just leads to stress and  more health issues…a vicious cycle.  

Will this be cured overnight?  NOPE.  But at least it’s something I can work on.  My colonoscopy will be coming up in the next few weeks (date still TBD) so until then I’m just not going to think about this crap and stop throwing pity parties!

 What do you worry about?  Do you throw pity parties for yourself?

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2 Responses to Welcome to My Pity Party…

  1. We all struggle with this. Sometimes it just takes a friend to smack you and say “HEY! Go run/work out and set your head straight, then come back and get to business!” Check out my last blog post below for a similar story.
    Marc B recently posted…Confession: I Have a Debilitating IllnessMy Profile

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