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When Your Ducks Can’t Be In A Row

Sometimes things don’t always go as planned.  Who am I kidding…things really never goes as planned.  For someone like me who likes to be organized and have all my ducks in a row, I’m not the best at handling situations that are not what I expected.  I’m not really a roll with the punches kind of gal…I’m working on it, but it’s taking some time.

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So when the past few months threw me curveball after curveball, my first reaction was to retreat.  Hibernate.  Hide from what was going on.  And I’m sad to say, that’s what I did. It’s no secret that I’ve been a bit quiet here and on Running at Disney.  I’ve felt like if I don’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say it at all.  I felt like if I really wrote about what was going on I would perceived as whining and complaining.  Surely not one wants to listen to me complain.  

I’ve come to realize that there is a difference between just complaining and having some real issues that I should be talking about not only for my own sanity, but that maybe it might just help someone else.  Life isn’t perfect and I probably shouldn’t pretend that it is.  But I guess I feel like if I actually SPEAK about what’s going on, it gives it more TRUTH and in turn gives me those feelings of FAILURE that I don’t know how to deal with.  Oh such a ridiculous dilemma…

Well despite all that, I need to let it all out.  Last fall kicked my ass.  All of the travel I did took a lot out of me mentally, which in turn manifested into some seriously physical issues.  I started having very bad dizzy spells after starting the Lurong Living Paleo Challenge and then some bad flares with my colitis.  I’m not sure if the paleo diet caused my dizzy spells, but it continued to get worse and after about 5 weeks I started eating grains again and almost immediately felt better.  

I had a colonoscopy in October that showed my colitis has progressed from mild to moderate, which was a serious blow.  My doctors are recommending that I go on Humira to attempt and get my disease in complete remission, but I am very hesitant due to the serious side effects of the drug.  No decisions have been made yet and I’m still taking my time to weigh my options.  

After that news, I fell into a bit of a funk due to a wicked combination of being scared about this new diagnoses and the cold weather that was beginning to set in.  I love to hibernate in the winter, but this was going to a whole different level.  I canceled two trips to Walt Disney World, that included a few races, which is totally unheard of for me.  Disney is my happy place and I didn’t even want to go there.  Basically, I needed to focus on getting my head back in the game and getting my body healthy again…meaning rest and recuperation.  It seemed to have worked.  Thankfully my friends were there to help pull me out of the funk and forced me to go to the gym and go out for dinners.  B was there as my sounding board, my confidant, my comedian.

So once December came I started feeling much better.  My colitis was getting better and my symptoms were subsiding.  The holidays actually started putting me in a better mood (which is odd for me since I am normally the Grinch) and I felt myself turning around.  I started making gains at the gym even though my hips were giving me some problems.  I was feeling productive at work and more like myself again…I was no longer going to take the easy road!

The new year was looking bright and on January 7th, we got some news that would change everything.  I was pregnant.  Wow…me pregnant…whoa.   B and I were in a state of shock for a few days because we had always been on the fence about starting a family.  We were very happy with our life, make a comfortable living, travel when we want and sleep in on the weekends.  Having a baby is a HUGE change and we were never 100% sure we wanted that.  But we were in the mindset that if it happens, it happens and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.  We were ok with that.  Well that was until it happened.

About a week in, we both started getting really excited.  The morning sickness and fatigue was setting in making it a reality.  We were talking about moving B’s office to make a nursery, how we were going to tell our family and hoping that our crazy cat wouldn’t turn on us when we brought a screaming human into the house.  We both really wanted this all of a sudden and we were happy.    

While having my first ultrasound, I knew my doctor’s silence was not a good thing.  She moved that wand around way too much and was taking a few too many pictures for my liking without pointing out the head or heartbeat or any of the other things you see in the movies.  Clearly, there was no heartbeat and that was not good.

My doctor wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt that I wasn’t as far along as determined by my last period.  So I had another ultrasound 5 days later, but the result was the same.  Not heartbeat and no growth.  I had miscarried and my initial reaction was that I failed.  I failed my baby and I failed my husband.  My inflamed body that I am in a constant battle with had failed.  My doctor reassured me that this is perfectly normal and over 25% of women have miscarriages in their first trimester.  There was nothing I did to cause it and nothing I could’ve done to prevent it.  She even shared her story of miscarriage with me.  But still I didn’t know how to feel.  I didn’t know this baby, it never even had a heartbeat, yet I felt a huge emptiness that I just didn’t understand.  

I quickly scheduled a D&C to removed all of the “cells” so I could move on and try to put this behind me.  I started crying going into surgery…there was part of me that just wasn’t ready to let go even though I knew I had to.  What if the doctors were wrong?!  But I knew they weren’t.  And that’s when the grief set in.

The past week has been a roller coaster of emotions…just when I think I’m back in the station, there is another lift hill followed by a 200 foot drop and a double helix to turn my stomach and start the waterfall of tears.  I’m worried about B and how he’s handling everything…I’m trying to stay strong for him, like I know he is doing for me.  

On top of the emotional side is the physical side of healing which is something else I’m not good with.  In my mind, I need to get back to “normal” as soon as possible.  I want my life back, I want my body back.  But will all surgery comes healing and rest.  I haven’t been to the gym in two weeks, I feel weak, vulnerable…I HATE feeling this way!           

But with everything in life, time will heal…both the emotional and the physical.  I have a wonderful support system, a wonderful husband, all who understand and are grieving with me.  I didn’t know this baby, but it is a loss still the same.  A loss of an idea, of hope, of the happiness that could’ve been but that is now filled with sorrow.  Each day gets a little easier and life is getting back to normal…I can actually begin to see my ducks getting back in line.  We are taking some time to ourselves and trying to laugh as much as possible because that really is the best medicine.  Well that and cats…cats are probably the BEST medicine. ๐Ÿ™‚

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56 Responses to When Your Ducks Can’t Be In A Row

  1. Oh, Sarah. This broke my heart. Through all of this I’m so glad you have your support system because it’s so important. Brighter days are ahead for you. Love you girl.

    • Thank you so much Nicole. Thank you for being such a great friend who always finds the sparkle in the bad days…it’s been inspirational for me. xoxoxo

  2. Thank you for posting this. You know I love you more than cats. It’s OK to take time to grieve. This doesn’t make you weak. This makes you human. Sharing this story makes you amazing.
    Amanda Tinney recently posted…The Reality of StuffMy Profile

    • Thank you for being there for me through all of this and for holding my hand next weekend as we walk through the happiest place on earth…there are sure to be tears. You have inspired me to share my story and be true to myself and for others. I am forever grateful to have you in my life <3

  3. I knew you have been way too quiet lately! I was going to send you a message to see how you were doing but I didn’t want to hound you. I am so sorry you went through this. Despite the facts and the statistics, it is still something hard to go through! Time heals and I hope you and B can move forward and perhaps this opened your eyes to what you may really want! Will I see you at Princess?
    Pam Frost recently posted…My #DisneySide Party Planning Is Coming TogetherMy Profile

    • Thank you so much Pam ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s been hard to keep this all inside, but it was hard to want to share as well. But it’s nice to know that you noticed…
      YES I will be at Princess and I’m really looking forward to getting out of this snow, forgetting all my worries and just having FUN!

  4. I am so sorry Sarah. Your supportive family will get you through this rough time. I wish you peace and a quick healing recovery. See you at Princess this week!
    Pam recently posted…Weekly Roundup – February 16thMy Profile

    • Thank you so much Pam ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m really looking forward to Princess and acting like a goof for a few days! See you soon!

  5. We miss you both and wish we were closer to provide more support! We are always here for you!! Love you!

  6. […] hinted that there has been a lot going on with me and I finally decided to open up about it on RAD Living today….the good and the bad. ย Thank you to everyone for your love and […]

  7. I was kind of pissy we hadnt heard from you, now I’m incredibly sad.

    So sorry Barry and Sarah. >big hugs<

  8. I’m so sorry for your hurt. I had two losses within six months in 2011 and that’s what caused me to throw myself into running. It sucked and although I lament what my life would have been like, I’m grateful that I’m blessed with the two children we have. Now that you’ve seen what your life could be like with a child, will you try again?

    Good luck at the Princess!

    • So sorry to hear about your losses…2 in six months must have been devastating. At least you found something healthy out of the whole ordeal instead of dwelling on the negative.
      We will see what the future holds for us…right now we’re just focusing on healing.

  9. Thanks for sharing Sarah! I read through tears. My heartfelt supportive, positive thoughts are coming your way from a reader who knows by your posts that you’ve got what it takes to get your ducks back in their row ๐Ÿ™‚ Give yourself a huge break, take a deep breath, and embrace what makes you happy today ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope this upcoming trip to WDW provides just the kind of magic for you and yours……just keep swimming, right?!?! Lol

  10. I am throwing my arms around you in a great big virtual hug. Sarah, I’m so sorry that you are going through this and all the other health issues.
    Please know that I’m thinking of you and hoping you heal both your body and your spirit. XXOO
    Bonnie recently posted…A #PalmParty Giveawy – Le Creuset Mini CocetteMy Profile

  11. Sarah, I am so sorry for your loss and for the health issues you are going through. You and your husband are in my thoughts. I am so glad that you have family and friends there to support you and help you get through this day by day. I feel privileged that you decided to share what you are going through.

    Take good care of yourself and we will definitely need to get together!

    • Thank you so much…that means a lot to me. It helped to write my story and I hope it can help at least one other person along the way.

  12. Sarah, I am so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and B. Hoping your upcoming trip puts a huge smile on your face, you deserve it. Wish I could be there to give you a hug.
    Thinking of you, girl

  13. Dearest Sarah! I am sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Barry, for your continued emotional healing. Both of you are very special to Rick and I and wish you a speedy recovery in all things. Take special care of yourself and enjoy the Princess run! You rock!

    • Thanks Leslie. Miss you two terribly and we are so lucky to know you are there for us. I hope we will get to see you next weekend. Love you both xoxo

  14. So sorry to hear of your loss and other troubles! Sending healing prayers for you! Some unsolicited advice — let yourself feel whatever you are feeling. As a fellow “duck in a row-er” I sometimes find I can’t feel what I’m feeling so I suppress it and that just makes things worse. I speak from experience when I say — even if it wasn’t planned it is still a loss and still painful. Let yourself feel whatever you feel at the moment — pain, sadness, anger, whatever it is. And, don’t forget to let your spouse know that you’re dealing with it all. They don’t always pick up on these things — especially with the “tough on the outside” girls.
    Hugs to you!

    • Are we long lost twins??
      I wrote this post because I knew I was holding everything in and it was not good for me. I always try to be the strong one and hold it together…I’m scared to show my weakness and vulnerability. This has been a lesson in letting go and letting myself feel. It’s humbling and therapeutic. It’s nice to know there are other tough girls out there who understand. ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. Sarah, thank you so much for sharing. Though we only know each other in passing through the gym know that my prayers are with you and you hubby. Big bear hug for you my dear. I can only promise you that darkest days will be met with infinite light and happiness.

    • Thanks so much Yadi ๐Ÿ™‚ You have been a HUGE inspiration to me in the past year and a half I’ve been at CFM and it means a lot that you will be thinking of us. xoxox

  16. sarah, sending you good thoughts. your openness and vulnerability in sharing is a gift. you never know how you may touch another person’s life. wishing you all good things, and knowing you will come through this with the love of your family and friends. xo

    • Thank you so much. I read someone else’s story, that inspired me to write mine. If I can help at least one person, it’s all worth it.

  17. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope to see you in wdw this week and I will give you a super big hug. November project style!!

  18. *hugs* Sarah! I haven’t been catching up on blogs lately so I just got around to reading this. Sending happy thoughts and hugs your way. Time will heal things and hopefully you guys can get back into a normal happy routine soon. Just know that this will make you both stronger and prepare you both for awesome things in the future! <3
    Jenn recently posted…Weekly Recap, 2/3 – 2/9My Profile

  19. Since I stumbled upon your website almost a year ago, I’ve loved it! More than you know, you inspire people all around. There comes times in our lives where we must first take care of ourselves, and that’s most important. So much trauma mentally and physically just wears us down. I don’t know you personally, but I do know from reading your blog that you are a very strong women with a wonderful support system, and you will get through this. I wish you all the best! I’m going to send you a message through Facebook since I don’t want to post that info here.

  20. Sarah, oh my gosh, I’m SO SORRY. My boyfriend’s sister just went through a D&C and that was so hard on her and we were trying so hard to get her to realize it wasn’t her fault. It’s not your fault. It really is common and YOU ARE SO STRONG FOR GETTING THROUGH THIS. It sounds like you have a wonderful support group in B and your family and friends, and even though I’ve never met you in real life, I feel like I have, and I feel like you have a huge community of people similar to me who you’ve never met but wouldn’t hesitate to call you a friend and a wonderful influence! In reading your blog, I’ve learned so much about colitis and have been able to better understand friends and acquaintances who live with it; not to mention I feel like I’ve learned about the Disney and runDisney community, plus your concepts-in-action of resilience and positivity. I greatly admire all these traits and qualities in you and your openness and honestly is so refreshing. Thank you for letting us into your life, and please know that I’m thinking about you and wishing you all the best.
    Katherine recently posted…Learning to Love Myself MoreMy Profile

    • Thanks so much Katherine. I’ve come to terms with everything, but that initial reaction was definitely that it was my fault…it’s hard not to feel that way.
      I can’t event begin to thank you enough for your kind words. I’m humbled to know that I have touched you in that way and it just means so much to me. I feel that same way that we have already met because of people like Estelle. I am truly honored to call you my friend and it has been amazing to follow your journey over the past few years.

  21. […] don’t know about you but when I’m going through tough times, I turn to food…well, food AND cocktails.  I love to eat and I love experiencing […]

  22. HUGS to you and B. You are so strong for sharing your story and I’m sure it will help others. It just reminds me that we never know what is going on in other peoples lives. I hope you guys enjoy your trip to Florida and it helps you heal both physically and emotionally! XOXO
    Danielle recently posted…Weekly Training Recap & Vacation Pics!My Profile

    • Thanks Danielle. I really do hope it helps others, since I know other stories have helped me.
      We had a great trip…just what we needed!

  23. What a rough time. It sounds like you are trying your best to hang in there. :/
    Jessie recently posted…Nine Unscrupulous and Unexpected Facts about American PresidentsMy Profile

  24. So sorry to hear about all of the hardship. The year before last was a difficult year for me, so all I can offer is that you never know what brightness will be around the next corner. After my marriage of thirteen years ended I had no idea that my best friend would turn out to be the love of my life. But after all the darkness, there came something wonderful and I wish the same for you. Hang in there. I am glad that you shared this with us.
    Ara Spellman recently posted…Great Northern LoonMy Profile

    • Thank you so much and you are right that there is always bound to be brightness around the corner.
      So glad you found the love of your life…we all deserve that!

  25. Sarah, I’m so sorry. My first pregnancy resulted in a loss at 14 weeks, and I was devastated. I felt like I had let every body around me down. And I felt like I had failed. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to so many!
    Kendra recently posted…Tinkerbell Half Marathon RecapMy Profile

    • Thank you Kendra and I’m so sorry to hear about your loss ๐Ÿ™ I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but it seems like you now have a wonderful family.

  26. Love and hugs to you Sarah – I’ve been through 2 miscarriages so I understand how you feel. Take all the time you need and don’t be afraid to let it out when you need to. Glad you shared on the blog so others aren’t afraid!!
    Kristen @ The Smith Summary recently posted…Cinderella Royal Family 5K RecapMy Profile

  27. I missed this last week. I’m so sorry for your loss, Sarah.

  28. […] this race together and it really has become “our race.” ย I have to admit that with my recent miscarriage and other health issues, I was really considering not running this year. ย I hadn’t been training and I just […]

  29. […] B and I found out that we are expecting a baby! ย Early in 2014, I was also pregnant and sadlyย lost the baby at about 8 weeks. ย It was a hard reality to face at the time, but I managed to get my life back together find great […]

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