Posts Tagged by work

So That’s It???

Friday I left a job after 5 and half years.  I did it with a clear head and no regrets.  It was the best decision for me.  It has caused me a ton of anxiety and honestly I still feel like I have to get up and go to work tomorrow.  This is an exciting new chapter, but I can help but be slightly sad.

I spent my last week cleaning my desk, tying up loose ends and getting as much detail together about upcoming projects as I could.

Last-Day-Clean-Desk

I tossed a giant garbage bin full of paper.  I tossed 5 years of work, of my life.  All of my things, reduced to one bag.

Five-Years-in-a-bag

It didn’t seem real until the final few days….basically when the talking stopped.  Everyone was quiet around me, there was a lot of whispering.  I started feeling uncomfortable and I just wanted to leave.  I worked in a small 6 person office which made it even more awkward.  On Thursday, I cried as I said goodbye to my coworker who has been my partner these past 5 years.  She started about a month after me and she will be leaving a week after me.  We shared a brain and many laughs…that was hard.

On my last day, I was at my desk for 2 hours before anyone talked to me and that was another coworker who I’m friendly with.  About an hour later, my manager came over hugged me goodbye and wished me well.  Told me to keep in touch.  It felt genuine, but that’s what you say, right?

It’s no secret that I have had a strained relationship with our CEO ever since she came on board 3 years ago.  We never saw eye to eye and to say she is lacking in integrity is an understatement.  That is what ultimately led to my decision to leave.  You can only work for someone like that for so long before it really begins to take a toll on your own integrity. I’ve always enjoyed the work I’ve done, our Board of Directors and our members.  I would’ve loved to help grow the Association even more, we do great work, but when you see that bad decisions are being made and your work is not being represented appropriately or valued…it’s time to move on.

I’m sure she was happy to see me go.  No one to challenge her anymore, no one to see through her.  This was clear by how I was treated like a stranger in my final days.  Just a goodbye and a wave as I walked out the door.  No thank you, no lunch, no card.  5+ years of hard work and dedication reduced to a smile and a wave.  That was it…  I didn’t expect much, but I couldn’t help but feel horrible as I walked out the door.  I came home and felt sad on a day I should be celebrating my new life.  

But all can be cured with good people, good food and a lot of laughs 🙂  B took me out to our favorite restaurant Caseus where I had the most delicious Stonington scallops followed by lemon cheesecake.  

Caseus-New-Haven-Local-Scallops

Caseus-New-Haven-Lemon-Cheesecake-Cappucino

Then some good friends came over and we drank a lot of wine and watched funny videos until 3 am.  I even got congratulatory flowers!

Flowers

And that’s what life is really about.  Not the people who bring you down, but the people who lift you up.  The experiences that make you smile, make you feel good.  I’m proud of the work that I’ve done, but those last few days really made it clear that I was not meant to be there anymore.  While I’m still a little sad, I know that will all go away next week when I can really focus on me.  On what I want to do.  How lucky am I?  No room for sadness here…good riddance.   

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The Anxiety of Change

As an anxious person, doing something like quitting your job is completely unnerving. Yes I’m beyond excited to leave this job behind and to move on to bigger and better things, but as I enter this final week it is becoming clear that this is not an easy transition….for a few reasons. Anxiety

Giving Up Ownership

Having been in my role for over 5 years, I have a feeling of ownership over many areas of my job.  There are upcoming events that I have planned, partnerships formed and budgets in jeopardy.  I am working diligently to get a plan in place before I leave, but there is part of me that is having trouble giving it all up.  It’s hard to think of someone taking over all of the hard work you have spent years creating.  You don’t want to see it changed or fail.  I know I need to just let go and move on but I have pride in the work that I’ve done. Although you might not be able to tell my my desk at the moment…

Office-Mess      

Seeing How My Decision Affects Others

This has by far been the best decision for me, but it is hard to watch how something so good for me has such an impact on others.  First are my colleagues.  This has dropped a large amount of additional work on them and due to poor management (a large part of why I’m leaving) it looks like it will be awhile before my position will be filled to fill that void. It also has made a few people have to make tough decisions about their own positions that they wouldn’t have thought about otherwise.  

Second are our members and the community. I work for a non-profit, member based association.  All the work we do is for the benefit of our members whether it be through education, legislative efforts, business partnerships, group discounts, etc…  By benefiting the members, we provide service to the community at large.  I would hate to see things fall through the cracks and have a negative impact on that side.

Yes, I know this all sounds very egotistical.  Can my resignation REALLY have such a big impact?  Maybe it won’t, maybe it will actually be good for the organization to get some new blood and some new ideas in there.  Honestly, I really hope so! However seeing how this is all being handled, it’s making me concerned.

Stepping Into the Unknown

Oh I don’t deal well with the unknown.  I often times wish I was a risk taker.  Someone who could go whichever way the wind takes them and figure it all out along the way.  Nope.  I’m a planner.  I like organization (I know…it doesn’t look like it from the state of my desk!).  I like structure.  I like spreadsheets!  So this leap of faith is nerve-wracking!  

As I get closer to being out of my current position and finally on the road to doing something I love, I am getting SO MOTIVATED! Yes, I’m nervous.  Yes, I’m having frequent panic attacks.  But you know what?  I’m happy.  For the first time in a long time, I can say that I actually feel happy.  My family hears it in my voice over the phone.  I keep spitting out ideas at B (he probably wants to kill me by now!).  I see opportunity EVERYWHERE!  Oh man…I’m so ready to do this.

Change is terrifying. Whether it be a job, a move, a child, a relationship…it’s all scary and that fear is what stops so many of us from finding and doing what we love in life.  I know that it has stopped me for YEARS! No more.  I’m doing this and I’m going to be happy and healthy from now on.  I’m going to BE RAD!  I hope you will too. 🙂

How are you going to BE RAD this year?!

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Not Taking the Easy Road

It’s called the easy road for a reason…because it’s easy to navigate.  I find myself on this road far too often.  Not challenging myself and going with what I know I can accomplish instead of pushing myself to try something new or be uncomfortable.  

Easy Road

These past few months have been tough for me.  My health hasn’t been great and it’s been hard to stay positive.  My nutrition has gone downhill and I’ve struggled with motivation in just getting off the couch, let alone pushing myself at the gym.  Basically I’ve been taking the easy road to “just get by” everyday and it has turned into an evil cycle of depression which in turn does NOT help my health issues.  Blech.

After fighting a fever for a few days last week, I decided that I can’t keep going with this cycle.  Not only is it bad for me, but it’s not good for the people around me either.  I’m no use to my husband just lying around like a lump on the couch.  I’m not supporting my friends when they need me at the gym, during a race, or when facing difficult situations at home.  I’m just pushing people away as I continue to not deal with my issues…that easy road sure is detrimental.  

So this past weekend I forced myself to get up and tackle a few things around the house that I’ve been avoiding.  That mountain of papers that has been piling up in the kitchen and the office…GONE.  The guest room that looked like an explosion of clothes and suitcases…CLEANED.  Both feel like a giant weight that has been lifted.

At the gym this week, I decided it’s finally time to get out of my comfort zone.  I can’t do pull ups and I even avoid doing the band assisted ones during WODs because I have trouble with those.  But on Monday, I decided to go for it.  I’m not going to get better if I don’t practice.  It’s going to suck and probably take me twice as long to finish, but I have to at least get off the easy road and TRY.  So I attached a thick band to the bar and got ready for 3 sets of 20 pull ups.  Surprisingly I got through the first 10 unbroken which gave me the confidence that I might be able to do this.  It was HARD and by the last set I was only doing one at a time.  I got through 15 on the last set and just couldn’t get another, but look at that…55 pull ups!  I was one of the last people to finish the WOD, but my friends were cheering me on and I got through it.  I could have taken the easy road and finished in half the time, but I’m SO glad I didn’t.  I was huffing and puffing and my arms felt like jelly, but I felt AWESOME!  

The rough and rocky road has clearly been hard to navigate, but it always makes me feel better than just plodding along on the easy road.  It’s a constant battle for me, a constant reminder to get up and challenge myself.  But I have to be stronger than my illness, I have to keep living my life and not let it get the best of me.  Today I ordered this bracelet from Endorphin Warrior to wear as a constant reminder to never get back in that place and to get off the easy road…

PersevereDo you find yourself often taking the easy road?  How do you PERSEVERE?  

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Hibernation Central!

Brrrrrr…it’s getting chilly up here in the Northeast!  I’m completely convinced that I was a cat in a past life because when it’s cold all I want to do is sit in front of the fire, under a blanket and take a nap.  Well what’s wrong with that, huh??

When the cold weather comes, B and I hibernate during the weekends.  This means turning the pellet stove on, watching movies and cuddling with cats.  

Pellet Stove

But even though it seems unproductive, it’s my favorite time of year!  This is when I can go through all the paper (yes I’m a paper hoarder!), when I get to reflect on my life, when I try to get my priorities in order.  And believe me…I REALLY need that right now.

I’m not sure what’s been going on with me lately, but I’ve felt very unmotivated.  It think it’s a combination of my health, recent stress at work and this cold weather.  I miss blogging, I miss the community, I miss those relationships, but I’ve found myself shying away from it all…becoming reclusive.  And you know what??  I don’t like it!

So I took the weekend to regroup a bit and I’m looking forward to the long Thanksgiving weekend where I can hopefully put some of my plans in to motion, set some attainable goals and basically get my ass back in gear!  I’m sure there will be lots of time with these guys as well…

Cats

Do you hibernate in the winter?  What do you like to get accomplished?

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